It's All I Know

Part 1

An open letter to those who do not understand my roaming heart.


And I am asked why I MUST travel. Why I must Go.
Those that love me have always been saddened by my leaving.
I've had them actually hang onto my leg while I dragged them. I've had to run.I've had to sneak out..That is best. No big scene that way and they can't talk or cry me out of it.That was always temporary anyway.
I 've had them burn our pictures, throw away the stuff I left. Shoot at me, call my parents and friends, you name it. I've seen it.......................... It can get ugly.
Because it hurt them they took it as a affront to our relationship.
{In Answer}

I do not know or understand anything else. I have always been as terrified of staying as they were of my leaving. I have never had a time where I learned how to stay. No, I'm not searching for anything. From a child of seven I have traveled extensively. I do not know if it was only that I wanted to but the fact that I always seemed to be wanted (needed) elsewhere and forced to go.
In any event IT is all that I learned. IT became Me ........I guess.
As I said , it is all I learned so sitting still for very long makes me feel out of place.No Matter where it is.
I do not mean to hurt anyone by saving myself.

Deep inside it always seems like they want to hurt (change) me by holding me back (down).

Especially when they knew the deal from the begining.And they always have. I don't lie about it.

I start to go crazy. I say things I do not mean. I shatter relationships in defence of saving "me".

It is subliminal.If I stay to long I start to feel and act wrong. I really cannot help it. I feel betrayed if they say "stay with me" but they won't "Come With Me".

Am I running away? No! I'm trying to stay........Stay where I've always been and that's, (Everywhere).

To all that I have loved and left especially one, I apologize for staying true to myself.

Please forgive me and I'll try to forgive all of you for trying to make me leave where I've always been content. The world.

Part 2

No I'm not searching for anything.

I have always had everything that I needed .......Inside Me.

From the time I first remember I have been OK with everything. I've never been jealous of anyone.Never wanted to be like anyone except maybe Walt Whitman. Never cared what anyone thought of me in my personal or professional life.

It is just that I cannot stay sane for long in a box. I know what I need no matter who understands it.

I bear the scars of my travels and so called adventures, Myself. I cary the weight of guilt for abandoning the so called safety of caring hearts. But much heavier is the pain of molding and wrotting away in stagnation. I even loose the need to write.

{" Maybe I wasn't born to roam but it's all I know as home"./w/moscow 1991}

I believe a person should always do what they are best at and makes them happy. Anything else is to waist a life.

It is all that I know and all I can do. As simple as that. I can't relate to anything else so, hate me if you will...

From the bottom of my heart these words are true.. You're writer your friend

Rodeo

7/28/09